HAMMERDOWN TURPENTINE NEWSLETTER
"The Saloon Tribune"

MARCH 2004 Vol. 3, No. 2
Forward to a friend. This is not the "Wiggle-Woggle at the White City Exhibition."

CALL TO ACTION: Hammerdown Turpentine is playing with the glorious Bob Log III at CafŽ du Nord on Wednesday, March 10. This is awesome. This is $8.

Dear Children of the Corn Whiskey (and associated deliquescence of the bowel),

Resist the temptation of oracular pronunciamento? Then how could I stretch a band flyer to seven pages of single spaced fun? As a gentleman at the last show offered, anyone can get up there and sing with gusto. So let us write with gusto.

You know what they say about March. It's the month with no days off from work. I say why not lighten up and come see a show in the middle of the work week, in the middle of the month? It's the hump show! You can sit on Bob Log's lap for the humpiest show. I can't believe "humpiest" is considered a word in MS Word. That just made my morning.

If you know Bob Log, you love love love him. This is a show worth feeling like shit on Thursday for and I wouldn't kid you about something like that.

To quote Sappho:

What else are you going to do Wednesday night? Get one of those new gay marriages? Play Scrabble? You can tape the Chappelle Show. Besides, it's the first time we've played du Nord (2170 Market Street) and you haven't picked up an HDT t-shirt yet.

Jif Johnson,
American Slouch
craniopagus parasiticus

www.hammerdownturpentine.com

P.S.
Very Important Note on Choosing Baby Names! "Jif" is a registered trademark of The J.M. Smucker Company. "Clint" looks a lot like "CUNT" when written in all caps. "Donny" is just a horrible name. "Dave" is overused. "Rob" sounds more like a sin than a name. "Lynn" has an unnecessary N in it and sounds like it should have another name before it. And "Oliver" sounds like a cricket term. Don't have the babyÜsave yourself the heartache.

P.P.S.
OK, I guess some people's birthdays are in March. Happy birthday to Clint and Danielle. Here's your horoscope:
http://www.seniorsite.com/horoscope/horoscope.asp?sign=Pisces

P.P.P.S.
OK, I guess St. Patrick's Day is in March too. You don't get off work for it though. Unless you work to make sure beer's not green.

CONFESSIONS - EPISODE ONE

I was 13, and over a friend from school's house for the first time, where several of my classmates had assembled for a session of Dungeons and Dragons. It seems my friend, Mark, had a mentally-challenged younger brother who ran a bit wild and had only three fingers on each hand. Mark's single-mother made us English muffin pizzas (with chopped onions, to my horror) and the game slowly began. Graph paper, a white crayon, soda. Before much had happened, Mark took me aside and showed me his Apple II upon which ran an adventure game called Sherwood Forest. Mark was a year older than myself and wore a back brace for his scoliosis. He typed the word "blow" and the game responded its catch-all, "I don't know how to blow" which inspired giggling. Now Mark began to tug at my belt and my instinctual push sent him falling, impaling him upon his back-brace. The smell of blood sent me running back to the table where my other friends were all waiting, their heads turned to a sliding-glass window which looked upon a screened-in pool. In the pool, I saw Mark's mother waist-deep, holding Mark's retarded brother under the water. I felt as though this were my fault for deceiving my classmates as to the extent of my experience with Dungeons and Dragons.

HDT ON THE PROWL

A mysterious half-man, half-beast, imaginatively named the "Oliver Kollar" or "green underpants", has been stalking the city outskirts, attacking people with its claws and allegedly seducing Jennifer Limbo(1) in a French-sounding rock club, usually late at night.

Terrified residents set up special Oliver Kollar patrol squads, while others draped their homes in magic talismans(2) to ward off the creature.

One leading psychologist lamented the city's sense of the supernatural.

"It's shocking that a natural disaster like fajitagate doesn't cause panic, but something so sick spreads like this," he told The Examiner newspaper.

Notes:

1. It'll be a cold or hot day in Jennifer Limbo when she's not between heaven and hell. This she blames on being alive. Jennifer Limbo! When you're in her you can never see Christ. Let's have a little decency. And a full plop of Congo music. Let's have Jennifer Limbo bent over a cruise ship. You walk like a jerkily belabored wishbone and play her. Eh? It was either Webster's Dictionary or Hitler that called Jennifer Limbo, "an ornamental border to a fringe." Which would make her either a belt or a fag hag. When she Frenches you you'll find you're no longer baptized. That's a good girl! Keep me in Jennifer Limbo.

2. Often, vegemite-smeared condoms hung from fire escapes with Christmas ornament hooks. The condoms usually contain Goldfish crackers. Go to: http://www.pfgoldfish.com/flash.asp Make sure your volume is all the way up. Click on the "Do not push" button after the Flash intro. That's right, we're all sitting in front of fucking computers.

JIF JOHNSON'S JUST-A-MINUTE TV REVIEW

This is where I turn on a channel and watch what's on it for one minute and then review what the hell I saw. Try it at home. Boy, these newsletters have less and less to do with the band.

Program: "8 Simple Rules"

Review: What I saw of this show started with a bunch of kidsÜI thought they were brothers and sisters at first but now I don't think so - the boy looked like a little miniature Val Kilmer. The girls weren't very good-looking but they were pretty young so I guess I'm not supposed to wish they were pretty. Two are on the couch and the other one says something but I already forgot what. Then comes that guy from Rockford Files (let's call him James Garner) but he's really old now and fat and hobbling around with a cane going to answer to door. He's got very thin but very black hair. But he's extra creepy because he immediately hits on the 30-something blond at the door. She's a business woman and he asks her if scotch is her drink which is apparently funny because the laugh track sounds like everyone in the building flushed the toilet at once. He's interrupted by yet another walk-on character who's that sister of Joan Jett typecast as a sassy-mom. She's embarrassed about old James Garner and also finds out from the businesswoman that she's been elected a secretary because she missed a meeting - which is not supposed to be funny. Then James Garner asks if the businesswoman wants a brandy. She doesn't.

Lesson: A minute is a long time if you're watching TV.

JIF JOHNSON'S TEN-SECOND TV REVIEW

This is where I turn on a channel and watch what's on it for ten seconds and then review what the hell I saw. You probably figured that out.

Program: "Gilmore Girls"

Review: This is a mousy brunette in a pink tank top leaning at a counter in a diner. Behind the counter is a 30-something man with a baseball cap on backwards. Nobody looks like Val Kilmer. She's holding some kind of electronic device like a laptop or something to her chest. I can't remember what they said but he puts a piece of paper down in front of her and she picks it up and holds it to her head. That's it. Ten seconds. I should have watched a Mexican soap opera.

Lesson: I'm bored of this. And I dislike having to do this part at home - you know, where the TV is. Once you're not writing all this stuff at work you immediately feel like an asshole. So much for that MFA!

HAMMERDOWN TURPENTINE ACCUSED OF DRINKING

Alcohol continued to be the dominant subject in rock 'n' roll yesterday as musicians, and rock's hierarchy, tried to deal with a tide of speculation even as bands prepared for the first shows of March.

"What matters is not what the bass players think," club owner Lynn said while quartering limes, "It's what the fans think. If they find out guys are high, absolutely they'll think less of them."

Brian, who has long been a prominent member of the music scene, added, "It's a hot-button item, and everyone is digging and trying to find out who did what."

The focus remains on a number of Hammerdown Turpentine musicians, including Dave, Clint, and Oliver, all of whom testified before the San Francisco grand jury that last month indicted Clint's personal trainer, Andy Duvall. The four men have been charged with drinking alcohol and using other performance-enhancing drugs in order to rock that much harder.

"Other than Jif Johnson going to the bathroom every five minutes, we don't have any evidence that any players have used any substance," Bob Log III, the chief operating officer of March 10's rock show, said at a news conference yesterday.

"Of course we don't like any of our bands' integrity attacked," CafŽ du Nord said, adding that "we're not ready to prejudge anyone based on what's come out." This is believed to be a reference to the latest HDT record.

"Hammerdown Turpentine are not going to make any statements," said Chris Stover, a band publicist. "Jif will not be making any statement." As a dozen reporters surrounded Jif as he dressed, Chris interjected when a reporter attempted to ask HDT's singer a question related to the Chronicle article.

"Dude, don't even try," Chris said. When the reporter persisted, Chris intervened again. When the reporter asked if Jif agreed with Chris, Jif, his head down, said, "Did you write your e-mail address in our mailing list?"

"Jif Johnson is under the microscope to begin with," guitarist Rob said. "People have tried for a couple of years to catch him doing something. I mean except for turning the dial on that dopey pedal."

JOKES AND FUN ITEMS:

HAROLD BLOOM HAIKU

You have the aura of election upon you.
You are a deeply troubled girl.
The statute of limitations has passed.

CLINT'S JOKE

Why did Jif cross the road?
Because Lynn wouldn't drive him.

TRAFFIC SAFETY FILM FESTIVAL

If you're like me, you don't let yourself drive. Believe me, I've tried - sadly - and as a result I've been forced to watch hundreds of traffic safety films. Here are my twenty favorite in alphabetical order.

Alcohol and Red Flares
Bicycles are Beautiful
Buckleman
Danger Ahead: Marijuana on the Road
Day the Bicycles Disappeared, The
Emergency School Bus Evacuation
Highways of Agony
I'm No Fool as a Pedestrian
Iron Graveyard, The
Mechanized Death
Night Driving Tactics
Room to Live III
Social Drinker and the Anti-Social Driver
So Long Pal
UFO/Unrestrained Flying Objects
Until I Get Caught
Wheels of Tragedy
Why 55
You're In Control
You're Under Arrest

These also make great song titles. I thought it would be funny to list what bands would have songs with these titles but I'm not a big fan of music. So I asked the always-essential Sam to do it. I haven't heard of most of these bands so I can only hope this is funny:

Alcohol and Red Flares = Von Lmo
Bicycles are Beautiful = God Speed! You Black Emperor
Buckleman = Orange Goblin
Danger Ahead: Marijuana on the Road = Electric Wizard
Day the Bicycles Disappeared, The = Tall Dwarfs
Emergency School Bus Evacuation = the Locusts
Highways of Agony = Burmese
I'm No Fool as a Pedestrian = Elliot Smith (discovered posthumously)
Iron Graveyard, The = Graveland
Mechanized Death = Satyricon
Night Driving Tactics or die Nacht Taktiken FŠhrt = Kraftwerk
Room to Live III = Khanate
Social Drinker and the Anti-Social Driver = Angels of Light
So Long Pal = Supersuckers
UFO/Unrestrained Flying Objects = Acid Mothers Temple and the Underground Freak Out
Until I Get Caught = Whitehouse
Wheels of Tragedy = Comets on Fire
Why 55 = Shellac
You're In Control = Gold Chains w/Kid 606
You're Under Arrest = the Frogs

Feel free to discuss this with Sam at the show. He'll be the one slurring the word "Amazing." You can punch him in the face for a bag of crack.

CALL TO ACTION
Timorous, sniveling, poltroonish, ignominious mob of goose-steppers! Coming up next: HDT plays another show with thee Al Duvall on April 24! Killer! Pelevins all around!

TO UNSUBSCRIBE
Reply to this e-mail with the phrase: "A fat man eating quails while children are begging for bread is a disgusting sight," in the subject line.

N.B.
Ronald McDonald is "Donald McDonald" in Japan because it makes pronunciation easier for the Japanese. In Singapore he's known as "Uncle McDonald." Jif Johnson is unknown in Japan and Singapore.

LEARN MORE:
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