HAMMERDOWN TURPENTINE NEWSLETTER
"The Saloon Tribune"

MAY 2003 Vol. 2, No. 2
Forward to a friend. This is not the "companion known only as Mr. Tong"

CALL TO ACTION: Hammerdown Turpentine will open for Polkacide at The Bottom of the Hill on Sunday, May 25, at 5 p.m. There will be free BBQ. The next day’s Memorial Day so you can drink plenty!

NOTE WELL: Because of spending cuts, HDT will soon cease sending physical mail to the HDT Army. Please advise your friends and strangers to submit their e-mail addresses. This can be done at a show or by sending a note to jifjohnson@yahoo.com

Dear l33t hax0rs and lambikins,

We chose Michael Landon for the cover of this issue because few cowboys have been so beloved. A man of character, dignity, and many talents, he was also a man who died long before his time. Join us now as we salute Mr. Landon in a pictorial retrospective of his career in quasi-religious TV shows.

Returning with their wonderful columns are F Troop's lovely and talented Melody "Wrangler Jane" Patterson and The Moody Blues' ingenious musician, singer and songwriter John Lodge.

We are pleased to add another celebrity writer to our staff–The Big Valley's Bush-loving, Islam-bashing, Muslim-converting Christian icon Peter Breck. In classic Nick Barkley fashion, he explains why people should take a liking to gaskins*, and fast! Incidentally, Breck, along with Dale Robertson and James Drury, have formed a company in which they will sing and "do" poetry. Soon they'll be taking their act -Tres Hombres Plus One Equals Four Fucking Hombres -on the road, so keep your eyes and ears open for them at a venue near you.

Oh, wait, wrong newsletter.

Hammerdown’s hardihood to succeed has brought about many a hot keen scenario and this Sunday’s no exception: free BBQ, HDT, and the big beery fun of Polkacide (see http://www.polkacide.com/ ) all for seven bucks. Sheesh, you can EAT at least $7 in burgers–the music’s basically free.

But that’s not why I’m writing. Like a stone thrown by a villager to scare away a drunk elephant, this letter is my attempt to ward off any (willful?) misreadings of the last newsletter. It has been said that there is no such word as "Concupiscible" and that Samo Hung and Cheech Marin were never in a racist television show together. Malarky! All I can say is that those who claim the first must be dickless, dictionaryless prudes and those who claim the second, cable-deprived appeasers of the worst order. May the haruspex eyeball their livers!

Et cetera and ad hominem,
Jif Johnson,
"Arouser of Those who Form Civilization"
All morbidly hunky, no morbidly chunky.

* The part of the hind leg of a horse between the stifle and the hock.

http://www.hammerdownturpentine.com

P.S.

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Listen, I want you to know that while every other Tom, Dick, and Jane gets the same old newsletter, I’ve used microchip technology to send YOU a personalized note. Be sure to delete this message after you read it!

I’ve always found you to be the BEST Hammerdown Turpentine fan. You’re faithful, drunk, and hot as all hell. I’ll hammer (hee hee!) this point home at the show by staring into your eyes EVERY SONG. Just wanted you to know how thankful I am. You are my way, my truth, and my life. Don’t tell Lynn.

I want to tell you a long story.

***CUSTOMIZED MESSAGE***END***3678926***
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GUEST SPOT: CLINT’S TOP ALBUMS OF ALL TIME
By Clint W. Golden, Esq., P.A.H.C., HDT, USA

This is it, the top 13 rock records to me at this moment. I know there will be people rolling their eyes not seeing "Kick out the Jams" or any number of other personal classics, so if you feel inclined, file complaints with Jif. He told me to do this. They are presented in order of best-ness from best to least-best, no more than one slot for a single band.

1.The Stooges "Funhouse" (L.A. Blues no longer phases me)
2. Rolling Stones "Exile on Main St." (obligatory)
3. Misfits "Walk Among Us"
4. Black Sabbath "Paranoid" (possibly only because "Rat Salad" isn't as bad as "Orchid" from "Master of Reality")
5. Cramps "Gravest Hits"
6. Sonics "Here Are the Sonics"
7. Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band - "Safe as Milk"
8. Oblivians "Play 9 Songs With Mr. Quintron" (yes, I think it's that good–and I don't really even like the Oblivians that much)
9. Spacemen 3 "Sound of Confusion" (this is kinda a sneaky way to get the Stooges on there twice.)
10. Devo "Q: Are We Not Men? A: We are DEVO!"
11. Dwarves "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" (sorry, Mom!)
12. the Velvet Underground "White Light/White Heat" (art-school hangover, but still great)
13. Ramones "Rocket to Russia"

ON HOW I CAME TO BE

By Jif Johnson again

My father met my mother in high school; in the liminal bit of tiled hall between the main hallway and the chained doors. My mother (having returned as the crowned "Ms. A-Bomb" from her father’s Army base in Nagasaki) was in her cheerleading outfit, reading a book and leaning near the foot of the stairs that led to more of the same. In these minutes between classes, my father spied my mother and decided to initiate a chat by bending down to see the title of her novel. My mother, however, took this gesture to be a peek under her pleated skirt and straightened awkwardly with a look that could shrivel a spanner. So, my father began a thirty-year explanation, this covering their vile procreating and at least forty photo albums from children peeing into their own faces to grandchildren peeing into their own faces.

I grew like anyone else might, inside a woman (slatterns and sluts!), and was birthed in a town I have never seen since. My memories instead begin in the tree-house from which I watched my brother Roger defend himself. Roger was at that time teased for not having balls which was a complete fabrication–sure enough, one April I witnessed him, at his wit’s end, sliding a bit of his sac from under his shorts to quiet his hecklers. From then on he was known as the boy who has only one ball. Or perhaps I’m making all this up while secretly drunk at work.

My sister Evelyn was beaten to death over an obvious joke in her middle school home economics class by a gargantuan underprivileged girl named Lasagna.

In the summer of 1976 I was forced against my will to play the recorder in the town bicentennial parade. I begged my parents to spare me–I had no idea how to play the recorder. This was unimportant to them of course. I also recall horrible tortures I dare not repeat as my relatives receive this newsletter.

Thus my musical career began. I dedicate this upcoming show to Roger (who was incarcerated for de-beaking a colossal squid carcass, having been framed by some asshole born with his collar up as retribution for almost running down the chair-tethered Stephen Hawkins one cobblestoned Cambridge night in '96). Everyone join me Sunday in a chant of "Two jolly balls! Two big balls!"

AMOROUS WOMEN REVEAL EFFECTS OF HDT

Women contaminated by Hammerdown Turpentine have started having sex with each other instead of on their own. According to Ukrainian scientists, it's one of the first pieces of direct evidence on how "it" is affected by HDT.

Although there is a wealth of evidence on the impact of HDT on whiskey bottles, its effects on the fair sex are poorly understood. In the past the International Commission on Keeping Your Legs Crossed, which recommends safety limits, has set no limits to protect these women, assuming that as long as whiskey bottles were unopened, ladies would be too.

But in recent days the ICKYLC has abandoned this assumption and launched an investigation into how best to safeguard the audience. (Journal of Hammerdown Turpentine, vol 66, p 141) The proportion of fine ladies seeking partners for sex was 5 per cent in the city as a whole but 22 per cent at the Bottom of the Hill, while the proportions of decent-looking gals doing the same were 10 per cent and 23 per cent respectively. However, the third species, ugly dolts, showed double the rate of asexual reproduction after simply reading the newsletter.

Carmel Mothersill from the Bangkok Institute of Technology, one of the experts helping the ICKYLC develop its new policy on protecting women, agrees, "HDT is panty peeler."

THE LOWERCASE REVIEW CORNER

saturday night, i went to dinner at pasta pomodoro with a group of friends and after that cruised to san francisco for another show at bottom of the hill.  we met our friend toby there, and chris showed up too with his girlfriend.  the  first band, the sermon, was totally awesome.  they were just straight up rock, and the had an awesome stage presence.  the second band, hammerdown turpentine was pretty good.  they would have been a whole lot better if the singer didn't fuck with his effects the whole time.  we skipped on the last band because ryan and i had to get back to san jose and pick our ladies up at denise and steve's.  

CALL TO ACTION

Free food and 2 bands for $7. This Sunday, 5/25/03. At the Bottom of the Hill (17^th and Texas). Get there at 5. Bring Toby! Best of all, you probably don’t have to work the following Monday as it’s Memorial Day. All you can motherfucking eat!

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