HAMMERDOWN TURPENTINE NEWSLETTER
"The Saloon Tribune"
MARCH 2003 Vol. 2, No. 1
Forward to a friend. This is not the "casus belli."
CALL TO ACTION: Hammerdown Turpentine will play their first show of 2003 at Thee Parkside on Sunday, March 16, with The Holiday Band. The show starts EARLY–at 6pm. Get there even earlier for free B-B-Q oysters! Imagine the vomit!
Don’t call it a comeback.
Dear Long-pining and patient punks!
When bands speak to their fans and friends from newsletters, they typically comment on the full range of challenges and opportunities that face us. But these are not ordinary times. For all the many tasks that require our attention, one calls on us to focus, unite, and act. Together, we must drink. Plus, my blood test came back and somehow my liver’s "normal."
Well, the day before St. Patrick’s Day, we’ll have the occasion to sippy the whiskey and witness the Guinness. This is our first show of the year and it’s with the always-spirited Holiday Band. The show starts at 6pm sharp so you can get drunk and still make it to work Monday: HDT. We’re open for business. Dick dance!
These are code orange times and soon our boys may be called to duty so let’s throw up in Uncle Sam’s hat and show our support. If he then puts the hat on, fine. Or maybe the wily ol’ coot will outsmart the ol’ dictator one more time and say, "Hey, dictator! Try on my hat!" I’m no expert.
See you at the Parkside on Sunday afternoon for free BBQ oysters and, at 6, rock ’n’ roll! Come see how fat I got!
Slan go foill,
Jif Johnson
Rock Thaumaturgist, Ph.D., P.A.H.C.
http://www.hammerdownturpentine.comP.S.
Mark my words, the new HDT album is done and being mastered–as if such a masterpiece could be "mastered"–so it will probably come out in the next few years–soon to be in a box by the stage at a Hammerdown show near you. The tentative title: "Whether an Inferior Angel Speaks to a Superior Angel and Whether We Should Distinguish Irascible and Concupiscible Parts in the Superior Appetite of Whether Heavenly Bodies Can Act on Demons or Whether by Virtue of Its Subtlety a Glorified Body Will No Longer Need to Be in a Place Equal to Itself".
HDT MEMORABILIA
Collectors, stalkers, hobbyists: Soon available on eBay* are the following rare and certified-authentic Hammerdown Turpentine artifacts. Price guides available at Amazon.com. Buddy Holly's Driver’s License was sold at auction for $5,300 and that’s not even a joke. Here’s the list:
BEFORE YOU DEAL WITH ANYONE PLEASE CHECK THE HDT FRAUD AREA:
*eBay is sort of like an abacus that delivers garage sale crap from North Carolina to your door while making you feel cunning.
IN SEARCH OF…
Scuttlebutt I say!
Rumors have been flying–around dark corners and through girls’ brains–that a seventh "ghost" member of the band has a guiding hand in HDT. The identity of this person is a hippogriff (as opposed to Professor Griff), by which I mean a myth, and no attention should be paid to any longhair or Billy Preston who Kremlinologically claims to have his prick in our pie, so to speak. The nerve! HDT has no co-pilot. Well, maybe Brian. Or Rob from The Sermon. In fact, to discuss this is so distasteful to me, professionally, that instead I’ll tell you again about a middle-aged woman who for this or that reason was rubbing butter in her hair. She enlisted the help of a barber who suggested she remove her blouse. "Why should I remove my blouse?" she asked, beginning to cry. The barber's senile mother sat on the hair-covered floor pressing ants one by one as they neared. When the barber wrestled his customer to the ground, a little mole poked out from his collar which his mother took for an ant. She reached out with the nails of her thumb and forefinger and pinched it off. The barber screamed and the woman with butter in her hair ran off to live her life. When the old woman looked at the bit of flesh in her fingers she saw a tiny cock and balls.
ST. PATRICK’S DAY QUIZ
Well, since we’re playing with The Holiday Band, I’ll leave the Leprechaun hoopla to them. Suffice it to say, we all know March 17 is drunky day so our show, being one day before that but on a weekend, ought to be a strong dress-rehearsal and run-thru. To get ready for your heavy drinking, here’s a prep-quiz. I’m not Irish so I don’t know the answers. You can ask The Holiday Band, I guess. Keep your score if you like.
1. St. Patrick is the patron saint of ___.
a. Homophobes
b. That band House of Pain
c. Ireland
2. St. Patrick's Day is celebrated on ___.
a. March 17th
b. Acid
c. The condition of anonymity
3. In New York City a huge ___ is held to celebrate St. Patrick's Day.
a. You-know-what
b. Parade
c. Burnt-out hole of death in the middle of Manhattan
4. Green is the color that ___ the Irish people.
a. You get if you mash up all
b. Issues in a steaming stream from
c. Represents
5. St. Patrick's Day is celebrated on the day that Patrick ___.
a. Led the Jews out of Egypt
b. Died
c. Swayze drove us cwayze
6. A well known story about him says that he drove all the ___ out of Ireland.
a. Snakes
b. Good food
c. Ire
BAND TRIVIA
Did you know…if you squint at the abbreviation HDT it looks like the word HOT? Fans once thought this meant that Clint was dead.
Did you know…at the show on Sunday, Jif will be performing with four as-yet-unfilled, rotting cavities (in his teeth, that is)?
Did you know…everyone in HDT has lived in Pittsburgh (except Don)? Go Steelers! Screw you, Don!
Did you know…two members of HDT (not Oliver and Dave) are getting married at 666 Filbert Street in September? Reserve your helicopters and long-range camera lenses now!
Did you know…HDT once guest-starred in a TV pilot called "Pee Pee and Rice" which was a cop show featuring Samo Hung and Cheech Marin?
Did you know…in some cultures Hammerdown Turpentine burps and it smells like Thank You?
FREE PHIL SPECTOR!
I always wondered what happened to B-movie actresses once they turned 40. Now I know. They get shot by Phil Spector. As you may or may not have cared, Phil Spector has been charged with the murder of an Amazon woman from the moon. Well, I guess he shouldn’t go free. Anyway, how funny! Well, I guess it’s not funny. Like the Great White thing’s not funny.
CORRECTION
At the request of Lynn, the "Win a Dream Date with Jif Johnson" contest has been cancelled. Apologies to all you fine fine ladies. The contestant with the best 50-word essay on "What I Stare at When at an HDT Show" will now win a dream date with Don. Winner must pay for dinner. Give submissions to Don on March 16, 2003, at the show. He’ll be the one with the biggest instrument.
Another correction: the retard’s house, not horse, was ransacked.
And then there’s this:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/846042.stm
NUESTROS AMIGOS
Vivian pulled her pink stretch pants a few inches from her belly and hid her Spanish teacher there. Her best friend, Barbara, felt drunk. Her denim skirt itched. The rest of the class flushed fireworks down the toilet. The bell rang and the boys put their yellow feet back into their boat shoes. The girls all had migraines caused by their ponytails. When her locker began to smell, Barbara was four days missing. Vivian was asked, "Donde es tu amiga, senorita?" (What will the past tense hold? The Nazis had 80,000 mental patients devoured by cranes over the course of one and a half years.) Vivian found Barbara depressed and several years worse-for-wear in apartment 3D. Friends would joke, "Who doesn’t live in 3D?" Then she moved to 2D and it wasn’t funny anymore. Barbara was so thin Vivian made her talk to her mom.
CALL TO ACTION: REDUX
Right, so Sunday, March 16, at 6. Parkside. See you there. Do it for that poor retard’s ransacked horse. What a mess!
Attn: P.A.H.C.–Don’t be the last to get your horseshoe brand! HDT should be 3 for 6 come Sunday! Hop on the bandwagon now. Ask for Hawk at Mom’s Tattoo on Haight and Mason–he’s the new official P.A.H.C. brandmaster. Don’t be the big independent come Independence Day. (If you’re not a member of P.A.H.C. please get a tattoo of a dragon fighting Hank Williams instead.)
Upcoming HDT shows? Check
http://www.hammerdownturpentine.com/shows.html
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