HAMMERDOWN TURPENTINE NEWSLETTER
"The Saloon Tribune"
AUGUST 2002 Vol. 1, No. 1
Forward to a friend. This is not a chain letter.
NEW WEB SITE:www.hammerdownturpentine.com
CALL TO ACTION: Come out this THURSDAY, August 15, to CLUB DELUXE for a two-set HAMMERDOWN TURPENTINE rock opera entitled, "Horseshoe Crabs Were Dried for Use as Fertilizer and Poultry Food Supplements before the Advent of Artificial Fertilizers—A Rock Opera." Holy crab!
Show starts at 9:30—just $5. On Haight Street at Ashbury. Co-sponsored by the P.A.H.C. and the Fifth Cave Gating Workshop held in June in conjunction with the USDI Fish and Wildlife Service. Not for children. Teenage girls admitted when not accompanied by boyfriend.
OPERA CAST OF CHARACTERS
(Performed by the HDT Players Troupe, LLC)
TWIZZLE - The boy doll with blue trousers and a green wool cap. He has bright red hair and a round shiny face. He can 'twizzle' himself as tall as a lamp post and can 'twizzle' again his arms and legs so he can reach any horseshoe crab he wants.
FOOTSO - A black and white cat with very large paws, he eats the juveniles or recent molts of poultry.
CHAWKY - He is a white faced golliwog who’s still in the Navy and probably will be for life.
CANDYFLOSS - Part owner of the Bottom of the Hill, part Mamma Doll that can't say "mamma"-- a tiny and irresistible temptation drives her to fertilizer abuse.
BOUNCY - The ball who has lost his bounce.
JIFFY THE BROOMSTICK MAN - In the garden between dawn and sunrise* there was never any other. A reincarnated sinner.
POLLY MOPPET - An invading non-indigenous species that has had an immense impact on shareholder proxy fights. Sort of the Alexi Sayle (Jerzy Balowski) of the show.
SEE YOU THURSDAY! Willingly venture within ten feet of any woman! DRINKS!!
Love,
Jif Johnson
P.S. The Horseshoe Crab isn't really a crab**. Each Thursday during the high tides of the new and full moons, thousands of horseshoe crabs descend on Club Deluxe to spawn. Males, two-thirds the size of their mates, cluster along the water's edge as the females arrive. With glove-like claws on its first pair of legs, the male hangs on to the female's shell and is pulled up the beach to the high tide line. The female pauses every few feet to dig a hole and deposit as many as 20,000 pearly green, birdshot-sized eggs. The male then fertilizes the eggs as he is pulled over the nest. After the spawning is complete, the crabs leave and then go to work Friday morning feeling like shit.
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT
Let your horseshoe crab know that you expect it to wait until marriage for sex.
Talk to your horseshoe crab about sex.
Stress your values.
Allow abstinence and your expectations to be a regular part of your conversation.
Tell your horseshoe crab about the risks of sex before marriage.
Give your horseshoe crab a safe place to discuss feelings about sex.
Guide it gently toward a true understanding of your values and expectations.
See to it that your horseshoe crab gets an age-appropriate sex education that offers abstinence as the only salvation.
Find ways to communicate it is cool to wait.
Encourage friendship with horseshoe crabs who are committed to wait.
Encourage your horseshoe crab to get involved in a peer ministry that supports "wait."
Encourage your horseshoe crab to discuss ways it can support their friends who have committed to wait.
Encourage your horseshoe crab to get involved in a club that supports the "wait" commitment.
Honor your horseshoe crab's friends when they make a commitment to wait.
Encourage your horseshoe crab to get involved in activities supported by adults who believe and support "Wait Until Marriage for Sex."
Volunteer to mentor a horseshoe crab committed to wait.
Burn off your horseshoe crab’s genitalia with a magnifying glass.
FEUILLETON
Alex Alexton spent all but the last minutes of the third period with his thumb stuck in the drain of a biology class desk. When he pulled it free it looked like a horseshoe crab. This was the last day he was thought to be bright for when he arrived at his English class everyone was speaking a strange language.
RIDDLE CORNER
The answer to last month’s HDT Newsletter Riddle was:
The more you handle them, the harder they get.
This month’s Riddle:
What is more powerful than Iggy and more evil than Ozzy? The rich need it. The poor have it. If you eat it, you die.
THANK YOU
…for reading (or scrolling) this far! You’re a true fan. Or you have an enviably easy job! Or no job. Sorry to bring that up. If your heart is huge, why not donate your unemployment check to my friends in Wisconsin? Go tohttp://www.jibangus.com/yungling/whydonate.shtml
GOOD NEWS AND BAND NEWS
There will be a "live" (taped) HDT performance and interview on KUSF (90.3 FM) on Thursday, August 15 (day of show) somewhere between 9 a.m. and 10 a.m. (think 9:30) or so. I’m going to try to remember to make a "Radio KAOS" joke.
On September 1, we’ll be playing a free in-store appearance at The Music Store which is a record store. I think it’s at 3 p.m. but you should probably call The Music Store for details: 66 West Portal Ave. (415) 664-2044. It’s on a Sunday.
Coming next month: Jif’s million-dollar ideas, a sonnet, and a very special 9-11 memorial contest! Oh, and another HDT show—probably in late September. You can check our Web site for dates: www.hammerdownturpentine.com
NOTES
* "And this was a place of lucent twilight, unlit by either sun or stars, and with no shadows anywhere in the diffused faint radiancy that revealed this garden, which is not visible to any man except in the brief interval between dawn and sunrise." --James Branch Cabell, 1919
** Most North American animals were classified between 1820 and 1920, the golden age of taxonomy.
*** "Rock is sung, played, and written for the most part by cretinous goons. By means of its almost imbecilic reiteration it manages to be the martial music of every sideburned delinquent on the face of the earth." --Frank Sinatra, 1957
TO UNSUBSCRIBE
Reply to this e-mail with the phrase: "Give my e-mail address to porn sites" in the subject line.
LEGAL INFORMATION
Rock ‘n’ roll has caused deaths and serious injuries. Approximately one show out of every 20,000 results in death.
Shows do not always open properly. Hammerdown Turpentine has a malfunction rate of approximately 0.3%. On the average, they are expected to malfunction once in 333 activations.
Experts estimate that hundreds of people are also injured. Some of these deaths and injuries are the result of equipment malfunction.
Hammerdown Turpentine, warrants all rock to be free of defects in material and workmanship and will, within 60 days from the date of listening by the original consumer, repair or replace, at Hammerdown Turpentine’s option, any part found defective by Hammerdown Turpentine without charge for Poultry Food Supplements or labor.